“This
is the Magic Wand Dog Training and Behaviour Services automated
telephone system. Please listen carefully to the following options:
Press
01 to tell me your dog has been asked to leave the local obedience club
because he won’t sit, wait, down or come when called (even when on
lead) so you thought you would try agility.
Press 02 if your Labrador is morbidly obese and you thought you would try agility.
Press 03 if you want 30 minutes of advice and have no intention of paying for it.
Press 04 if you describe your dog as ‘a little bit naughty’ when what you really mean is that the b*st*rd bites, hard.
Press 05 if you want puppy training classes but your Boxer is already 12 months old.
Press
06 if you believe that just by turning up to one puppy training class
and doing no work whatsoever at home, your puppy will grow up to be a
well adjusted companion.
Press 07 if your nervous
aggressive GSD has bitten and hospitalised Aunt Maud, the vet, and your
child and you want me to rehome it.
Press 08 if you have
three children under school age, an invalid parent living at your home,
a partner who works away, are pregnant with twins and want your 8 month
old Dalmatian that never gets a walk to stop chewing every thing in
sight.
Press 09 if you want to tell me my advice has not worked even though you have not tried it yet.
Press 10 if you want to be dog trainer and behaviourist because you like animals better than people.
Press 11 if you are 15 years old and want to do work experience with me but would faint if I asked you to pick up after a dog.
Press
12 if your dog is aggressive with other dogs but you want to join one
of my groups because it will be nice for him to have some friends.
Press 13 if you cannot afford my private rates and want a discount because you only have one BMW.
Press
14 if you are cancelling your lesson that is due to start in 30 minutes
and have no intention of paying the cancellation fee.
Press
15 if you do not believe in rewarding a dog and know that clicker
training does not work because your friend Beryl said so.
Press
16 if you think your dog knows he has done wrong when you tell him off
and that he obeys you because he respects you and acknowledges you are
a superior being.
Press 17 if you want me to wave my
magic wand over your contacts/weaves/start line waits in just one
session and will then tell me it did not work when you go to a show
just two days later with no training in the meantime.
Press 18 if you have eleven Jack Russell bitches in a small flat and you want me to teach them not to fight each other.
Press
19 if you already know everything about your breed because this is the
fourth one you have had and I cannot tell you anything new.
Press
20 if you want me to pick up your dear departed dog’s ashes from the
vets and keep them at my house because you are too upset to have them
in your home (true!).
Press 21 if you could not use a halti, indoor crate, or harness because they are cruel.
Press 22 if you will not put a muzzle on your deadly aggressive dog because you do not want people to think he is nasty.
Press
23 if you want to leave an increasingly angry message for the third
time this week demanding an urgent call back and yet again forget to
give your name or number.
Press 24 if, having ascertained I am out, you wish ask my engineer husband for behavioural advice about your pet.
Press 25 if you wish to fill up my answering machine tape with an incoherent rambling message.
Press
26 if want your entire male adolescent dog to spend its days lying
patiently on your front step on your unfenced property because dogs
shouldn’t want to run away, should they.
Press 27 if you want me to teach your untrained border collie to play with sheep because you think he will like it.
Press 28 if your dog thinks its name is “NO”.
Press
29 if it is before 8am or after 10pm and you want to ask how to stop
your 13 week old Andrex puppy from biting your 5, 7 and 9 year old boys
when they play fight with it.
Press 30 if you have taken
trouble to socialise and train your pet and want to make an appointment
to learn even more fun stuff. No need to hold, I’ll put you right
through J”
Permission given by Sally to repost. Very funny lady! Thank you.
Check out "Putting it Bluntly" on Sally's website:
http://www.dogsrdogs.co.uk/sally_jones.html